LOADED WEAPON 1: EVO STYLE
by Beck2
Summary: Meet HIM!
1. Showdown at Halim's mini mart

Disclaimer:  Look here, Look good kids-  This is the only time this pops up in this story.  X-men is not mine.  Loaded weapon is not mine.  They belong to Marvel and National Lampoon respectively.  Arcane, Doggy, Danny, Herman, Kally, Hezibah the hyena and Dexroth belong to me.  

A Parody of a parody!

Loaded weapon 1: Evo style

Yes, ladies and gents, I'm jumping on the bandwagon of parodies.  May I introduce my nararrator, Rahne!

Rahne: Thanks a bunch!

Arcane:  How did THAT happen?

Rahne:  Well, besides the whole Doggy thing, Beck actually does like me.

Arcane: No accounting for her tastes.

Rahne: HEY!!!!

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A red convertible jets through the street.  It has a white stripe, and a cloud of smoke following it.

Scott:  WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR?

Rahne:  You should be glad it's in this parody!

It screams across an intersection, avoiding crashing with several drivers.

Kitty: Crazy freakin' driver!

It screeches to a halt in front of Halim's mini-mart. Someone steps out wearing cowboy boots.  He drops a cigarette and stomps it out.  He then drops a cigar and steps on it.  Then he drops a pipe and crushes it.

Hoppy the non-smoking bunny: It's bad to smoke kids! 

Rahne: Lunchtime!

Hoppy: Aiee!

**He walks towards the doors and opens them.  Quick view change to the front, a little smoke and a spotlight from who know where-**

Forge: *waves arm*

-**revealing** **the insane driver to be none other than St. John Allerydace,  aka Pyro, in the role of Seargent Colt! **

John: YES!!!!!!!!!

Rahne: Considering the role I guess it fits.  Are you ready?

The store is full of…stuff.  Colt gets in line after a father and his son walk out.  They are carrying a  six thousand ounce Super chug.

Jamie: Yay!

Logan: *grumble*

First counter manager(who oddly, enough, looks remarkably like Roberto):  ***Says something in arabic***

Colt: What the hell was that?!

Sam (has on a nifty little badge that says translator.):  Hello, hello.  How are you?  Nice weather we are having today.  Hey, why do I have to be the translator?

Rahne: Get on with the story!

Colt:  Nice weather?  You think we're having...NICE weather?  I guess you didn't lose the only thing that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whisky, to dull the pain that shatters your heart and rips at your soul and keeps your days forever gray.

*Pauses*  What flavor icy you got today?

Roberto: Kiwi-cherry

Sam: Kiwi-cherry

Colt: yuck.

Pietro:  Wow he did that whole thing without setting somebody on fire!

Rahne: Hey!  Get back stage!

Colt walk over to the freezers and grabs a burger.  He puts it into the microwave.

Remy:  *somewhere backstage*  No!  Don't let him near the microwave!

Rahne: Will somebody shut that Cajun up!

While the burger microwaves, Colt looks at the magazine racks.  He picks up the Planner magazine.  He turns a couple pages, and five or six little advertisment cards fall out.  He turns a few more and about fifteen fall out.  He then finds the centerfold (while about thirty more cards drop out).

Colt: Oh Baby.  Flamethrower of the month.

As he folds the centerfold back into the magazine, security cameras begin to look over his shoulder.  One raises up directly right behind him.  He looks at them, and they quickly look away.

Pyro:  Are they supposed to do that?

Rahne:  Hey!

Two punks walk in.  They stop by a pantyhose rack and both grab one.  They walk up to the counter.

Punk1 (who is Ray):  This is embarrassing.

Punk2 (Evan):  Yeah…

Rahne:  SAY YOUR LINES!

Ray: Excuse me.

Roberto: Yes?

Ray: *holds up pantyhose*  Do you have any of these in dope?

Roberto: No dope. Beef jerky.

Ray: And you call this a convenience store? *pulls pantyhose out of the container and puts it on his head.  Evan follows suit.  Then they pulled out shotguns that magically appear out of nowhere.*

Evan: open up the cash register or I'll splatter your brains!

Colt:  *steps out of pile of postcard advertisements.* You scuzzballs mind if I join in?

He pulls out a pistol and starts shooting.  Evan and Ray run into the aisles.  Colt  ducks down by the pantyhose rack.

Ray:  I told you we should have auditioned for cop parts.

Evan:  Well, look at it this way- There's so many people wandering around in this movie, we're bound to get a better role!

Ray: Before or after we get shot by the pyro who shouldn't be allowed to have a gun?!

Rahne: Quiet on the set you two!

Colt looks at the store in what appears to be night-vision, only to have toilet paper rolls up to his face like goggles.

Pyro:  A good actor can make the audience _believe_ they are night-vision goggles.

He then runs into an aisle with Manly-mann natural juice.  Evan jumps into the aisle behind him with a tommy-gun (courtesy of the prop department) and shots through the juice cans.  Right in the *AHEM* Lower part of the man on the can.  Colt catches the liquid in a Styrofoam cup.  Evan jumps into the asile Colt was just seconds before, shooting up the freezers of beer.

Pyro:  MUWAHHAHAHAH!  It's Miller time!

Ray:  OO,  Lunatic.

Colt pops up a few aisles away, and shoots behind him using a mirror.  Which takes out everything except the bad guys.  The bad guys shoot back at him.  The storeowners are screaming and yelling.

Pyro: Do we have a translation for that?

Sam: You don't want to know.

Ray and Colt jump into an aisle and begin shooting.  They stop when they realize that they are standing right next to each other and hitting absolutely nothing.  They jump different ways.  Evan jumps in and takes out the pantyhose display with the tommy gun.

Evan: That's what you get for only being in beef jerky!

Sam and Roberto take out their weapon-a flamethrower.  They torch a bunch of jiffy pop popcorn containers.

Pyro:  WAIT!  I want the flamethrower.

Rahne:  I think not.  We've had problems with that already.

Ray pulls out a rocket launcher and takes out a Bud Light display.

Ray: Kick the habit, kids.

Colt has somehow built himself a fort out of kitty litter.  Evan starts shooting at it with the tommy gun, when Colt pop out behind it with an army automatic, complete with long belts of bullets.  He let's loose.

Pyro: MAKE MY DAY!!!!!!

They hit the front window they happened to be convieniently standing in front of.  They fall, and fall, do this happy flip thing, twist, flip, ad twist-

Colt: *sipping slurpy and looking at watch* 

They do one more flip and fall to the ground.  Colt stands over them and points his gun at Ray.

Colt: I know what you're thinkin'  You're did he fire one hundred seventy-three times, or one hundred seventy-four?  Well?  Do you fell lucky?  Punk?

Ray is about to say something, but a microwave bell goes off.  Colt's burger is done.

Pyro:  Wow, that's right on time!

He opens the microwave.  The burger is burnt, nasty, and otherwise uneatable.

Sam and Roberto:  *Screaming Arabic obscenities at him*

Colt: *gestures to microwave*  You guys gotta get that thing fixed.

Sam and Roberto: *Still Yelling*

Colt: *grins and waves them away*  I know, I know, don't thank me. I'm just a cop, doing his job.

He walks out of the store, which is in complete ruin with spots of fire still leaping up.

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Heheeh.  I love this movie.  I know I'll probably never be able to do it justice, but I had to do a parody.  I've been wanting to do this forever.

Review please!  I like to know what people think!


	2. Billy York's demise

Yeah, I know I haven't put up a new chapter in forever.  My creativeness was stifled by the fact that only one person reviewed.  But I've written again in the hopes that more people shall review.

Flamingo1: You are the only reviewer of this story.  YAAAYYY!     
*gives a pin that says first reviewer*  That was how the movie had it.  I thought it was hilarious.   

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The car screams out of Halims Mini-mart, over the glass and past the two punks who were still lying on the ground.  

(Jamie appears with several handwritten signs.  The first one says 'BAYVILLE')

**The car races down the street with a massive exhaust cloud after it.**

Scott:  MY CAR!  I CAN'T BELIVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO MY CAR!

Rahne: Get over it.  Get a girlfriend, a life or something.  We'll return your car, stop moaning.

**(NIGHT)**

**The scene change.**

**(67 DEGREES AND CLEAR)**

**The scene begins at a house.**

**(A HOUSE)**

**Inside of the house, JEAN GREY as Billy York, rushes into the living room.  She has on a wig that totally clashes with her red hair.  She is carrying a suitcase.  She puts it down and picks up the phone and dials.  An answering machine picks up.**

Answering machine:  You've reached the desk of Seargent Wes Luger.  Please leave a message after the beep.

Jean:  Yeah, Wes, it's me, Billy-

Answering Machine:  HEY! I SAID AFTER THE BEEP!

Jean:  Well excuse me.

Answering machine:…..

Jean:…..

Answering machine:…..

Jean:  Anytime, just anytime would be good.

Answering Machine:…..BEEEEP!

Jean: Listen, it's 9:36

Jamie:  HARUMPHH!

Jean:  *looks over at him and his sign*

Jamie:  *Changes 9:36 sign to 9:37*

Jean:  Oh!  9:37.  Look.  It's.  It's just getting too dangerous to wait here, I gotta get out.  Meet me at the Squealer's Hotel in about forty-five minutes, I've got a contact there.

She hangs up the phone.

**Outside, a Wilderness girl's van pulls up.  Someone in a Wilderness girl costume jumps out of the back and skips up the steps.  Then they cough and drop a cigarette.  They ring the doorbell.**

**Billy looks up from her packing.  The camera zooms in and—**

Jean:  OUCH! 

The camera zooms out quickly.  Billy takes a piece of microfilm from her pocket and takes a picture of herself and of a certain someone from the wall and places the microfilm behind it.  She returns the picture to the wall.  WITHOUT TELEKINESIS.

Jean: Darn.

She goes to the door and looks out the spyhole.

Jean: Who is it?

Piotr Rasputin, as Jigsaw, is wearing a very err….form fitting wilderness girl outfit complete with wig.

Piotr:  Wilderness Girls!  *gives a big smile*  This is worse job in my career.

Rahne: Excuse me.  DID I SAY YOU COULD GET OUT OF CHARACTER?  NOO!

Billy unlocks the three locks on her doors and opens it to reveal…aother door with three locks.  She unlocks those and opens the door to reveal a safe door.  She unlocks that door to reveal a submarine blast hatch….

Jean:  GAHHHH!  *Uses psychic energy to blast door open.*

Billy pokes her head out of a bead curtain.

Jean:  It's a little late to be selling cookies.

Piotr:  Troupe leader say we are not meeting our quota.

Jean:  *sigh*

She walks into the house.  Jigsaw follows and shuts the door.

Jean: I'll take a couple of boxes. *turns to get money*

Piotr: That won't be necessary, Ms. York.

Billy turns back around to see the seemingly harmless Wilderness Girl pull out a gun.  She took off her wig to reveal her identity as Jigsaw, a hired killer.  She takes off the horribly clashy wig she had on.  Jigsaw raches inside his shirt and pulls out a bra.  Billy raches into her jeans and pulls out a pair of socks.

Jean:  I gotta be honest.  You looked better in the wig.

Piotr: My hairstyle is the least of your worries.

Jean:  Wilderness girls aye?…..Wait!  I want to change that line, I am so not Canadian!

Rahne:  Alright, if you don't finish your lines I'm going to force feed you Kitty's brownies.  GOT IT?

Jean:…..okay…..

Rahne: GOOD.

Jean: So that's how you're moving the drugs.

Piotr: Brilliant, Miss York.  Now *sudden heavy accent* Vhere iz ze meecrovilm?

Jean:  The what?

Piotr:  *rolls eyes* the microfilm.

Jean: I don't know anything about any "microfilm".

Piotr: Don't play coy with me.  This is too important.  There is a plot.

Jean: Important enough that everyone in earshot should listen to each and every detail?

Piotr: THAT important.

Jean: And you're talking about the microfilm that holds the recipe for turning cocaine into innocent looking cookies?

Piotr: Yes.

Jean: I don't know anything about it.

Piotr: In a little while Miss York *starts advancing on her* you will be begging for mercy.

Jean:  Nono- I'll beg now.

Piotr:  Save yourself unnecessary pain.  TELL ME!

Jean:  McCrackin!

Piotr:  Thank-you Miss York.  *shoots her with the silencer*

Jean:  OOH!

Piotr: *turns to go, then stops*  Is that….Dan McCrackin or Mike McCrackin?

Jean:  *thinks*  Mike.

Piotr: *shoots her again*

Jean:  Ugh!

Piotr: *turns, then stops again*  Is he on Alpine…or Oak?

Jean:  *thinks again* Alpine.  *get shot again*

Rogue: I like this scene.

Rahne:  HEY! GET BACKSTAGE!

Piotr:  *walks towards door.*

Jean: Hey!  Psst!

Piotr:  *turns back exasperatedly.*  It is just my luck I get scene with someone who won't die. 

Rahne: Hey!  SCRIPT PEOPLE, SCRIPT!

Jean:  Park on third, you'll never get a spot on Alpine.

Piotr:  Why are you telling me that?

Jean: You seem like such a nice mass murdewrer.

Rahne:  WHAT PART OF SCRIPT DO YOU TWO NOT UNDERSTAND?!

Piotr: Thank-you, Miss York.  You have been most *pause* cooperative.

Jean:  Don't mention it.  *gets shot again.  For the final time*

Jigsaw makes his way to the door, just before he walks out, he leans down to the blind person who was sitting next to the door.

Piotr:  And you! Remember….You saw …nothing.  *drops a coin in the blind beggar's cup.

*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^^**^**^^**^*

Irene: I plan on sueing.

Rahne:  What? Why?

Irene:  It is shameful how you exploit my blindness.

Rahne:  Don't be such a nag.  Be glad you got a part.

Kurt:  ….Fraulien, there are policemen to see you.  

Rahne:  WHAT?!

Kurt:  Keety was caught lying to the police.  She said she was carrying around drugs for some recipe…

Rahne:….oh no…..

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Hehehe.  The second chapter.

Alright.  I know a good bit of you have never seen this movie.  But that's okay!  Leave a review!  You can leave flames if you want, compliment, comments, whatever.  Just leave em.


	3. The Crime scene and John's Claire

The idea is to die young as late as possible.   
_Ashley Montagu_

kukume: I hope my document works this time.  I seem to be having difficulty with it not showing bolded parts.

Azzandra: yeah…she really shouldn't have. Grass on!

Flamingo1: By your popular demand and my itch to get this thing started again, here it is!

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****

_A van screams through the busy street, dodging cars, frie trucks, cement trucks, twenty car haulers-_

****

Scott:I can't believe that pscho got MY corvette…

Rahne: Be quiet.  This is your debut.

_-and several ice cream and food stand trucks. The van stops behindan ambulance distributing food._

Duncan: Come and get it!

_Sergeant Wes Luger, who is played by Scott Summers, walks past several food stands, a guy getting off a surfboard-_

Alex: Dude!

Scott: Alex?!

_-a statue getting set up by several Crime Lab Analysts, and walks into the house.  He looks at the scene.  There are a bunch of cops surveying the scene, doing absolutely nothing.  He sees someone he knows._

Scott: What you got Irv?

_Irv (Kurt) looks up from his work. He is scratching his head and chest irratatedly._

Kurt: Beats me, Sarge. Dandruff, Ciboria, maybe just dry, eetchy fur.

Scott: _(Takes head and Shoulders bottle out of his coat_) Have you tried this?  I use it.

Kurt: (_Takes bottle in wonder_ Head and Shoulders? But Sarge, you don't have dandruff!

Scott: (_pats him on the shoulder_) I know.

_Luger walks to another part of the house.  Some cops are playing Limbo with crimescene tape in the background._

Roberto: How low can you go!

Rahne: From A Halim brother to a limboing policeman.

_Someone takes his picture as he looks at the dead body.  He looks up in surprise._

Evan: What'll it be, Mat finish or glossy?

Scott: (grins) Mat.

Evan: Good choice. (Writes receipt) Be ready in about a week.  Yes! I got another role!

Rahne: HEY! DON'T BREAK CHARACTER!

_Luger walked into the room with the stiff.  He squatted down next to the medical examiner, who is Rogue_.

Scott: Whadda we got?

Rogue: It's the worst dressed stiff I've ever seen.

Scott: This "stiff" and I walked a beat together for five years. So show some respect Doc. (whisper) Sorry, Jean.

Rogue: Whipped.

Jean: Shut-up!

Rahne: Jean! You're DEAD. Don't make me tell you again!

Rogue: I'm sorry Wes. You know, I've seen so much of this senseless mayhem, that sometimes I get a little insensitive.

Scott: (nods in understanding)

Rogue: Alright- This loser took the chickenshit way out and punched her own ticket.

Scott: (turns the dead body over) Suicide hunh? (Billie has a look of incredible shock on her face.)  She must have caught herself by surprise!

Rogue: Found these on the floor next to her. *(hands him a box of Wilderness Girls Magical Mint Cookies.)

Scott: Wilderness Girl Cookies….. 

_Luger sees something in Billie York's hand. It looks like a matchbook.  He tries to get it, but the stiff hands would not yield._

Scott: Gimme a hand here Doc.

_The doctor tries to force the hand open, but cannot. She gets up and stomps on Billie's hand. Luger watches her in surprise.  She picks up what Billie had been holding and gave it to Luger apologetically._

Scott:…Thanks.

Rogue: No problem…

_The matchbook has 'learn to draw at home' on the front and 'Squealer's hotel' on the back.  He places the matchbook in his pocket and turned to walk out of the room, only to be caught in a web of crime scene tape._

Scott: What the-

Todd: (mimicking the fly) Help Me, HEEELP MEEEE!

_He forces his way through the tape and then sees a picture on the wall of himself and Billie York.  He had a huge afro on in the picture.  He takes it off the wall, not realizing that a piece of microfilm had been stuck on the back, and looks at it, his mind drifting back to the good old times. He holds back tears and places the picture back on the wall.  He turns to leave, but is startled by Irv, who is standing next to him, shampooing his head and chest._

Kurt: You knew her, Sarge?

Scott: Yeah. I knew her.  She was…my partner.

Kurt: Oh…I'm sorry Sarge.

Scott: (nods and turns to walk out)

Kurt: Hey! Hey sarge!

Scott: (Turns back around to look at him)

Kurt: (points to his head) It's tingling!

Scott: Good Irv. That means it's working. (Gives him a thumbs up)

_THE SCENE CHANGES_

_Colt stands on the beach.  He throws a cigarette he had been smoking into the ocean.  It explodes._

John: Fire…

Rahne: NO! BAD JOHN! GET BACK TO THE SCRIPT!

_He walks back to his beach house, which looks like a dump. However, the inside is huge, complete with chandeliers, animal skin rugs, and marble pillars.  He walks up to the mini-bar and grabs a glass in which he mixes all types of alcohol together and tops it off with chocolate syrup._

John: (Toasts himself) Here's to getting through another lousy day. (downs it all in one gulp. Picks up a picture.) Claire, oh Claire. I miss you so much. I'm tryin' Claire. God knows I'm tryin', but it's too damn hard without you.

_He's holding a picture of a dog.  A wolfhound to be exact.  He cries on it._

John: I'll get those bastards that took you! (hugs picture)

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Doggy: *sulk*

Rahne: You were the only Dog available.

Danny: What about you?

Rahne: I'm the narrator!

Doggy: Grrr.

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That's it, the third chapter! Sorry it took me so long to update, but please leave your reviews!


	4. The Headquarters!

Wow…almost three months since my last update, that has to be a record.

Sorry!

Pat: I don't know about spidey, but I'll see what I can do.

Flamingo1: Yes, but Doggy will get his revenge?

Pale Shades of Pink: Oh my. You changed your penname again! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, I got caught up in all the other stories. I looked you up and I saw you were going to get out of X-fiction. That's too bad. Some people just don't have the taste or the grace to accept good writing like yours.

Rogue77: I'm glad you liked it! I finally got around to updating!

kukume: Heh, that's why I had him shampoo his chest. I figured that he probably would shampoo all over. Glad you liked it!

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Rahne: We're back!

Jean: I died!

Arcane: Get over it.

Rahne: After a few months on hiatus, we finally got back! Now we're gonna have some real fun!

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_Luger returns to headquarters. Several cops walk out of the building._

Ray: Well, it's back to the salt mines!

Kitty: Can I drive this time?

Sam: Officer Ray, didn't I arrest you a few days ago?

Ray: *glare* I have no idea what you're talking about. You know, looks can be deceiving. You look like a mini mart owner.

_He walks into the building, past the Ten Misdemeanors or Less line-_

Mesmero: I must be in the wrong line.

_-where many people are wearing sunglasses and talking on cell phones._

Roberto: Hello Mom.

Evan: *not on phone, pointing at Remy* This is supposed to be an express line! This guy has fourteen counts!

Remy: Shut up, mon ami!

_He walks past a woman working with a police profiler._

Danny: I don't remember his face…or his eyes, or his build. Yes! That's it!

Photo artist: *Holds up picture.*

_Everything was as it should be. In the middle of the room, there was a gathering of officers that piqued his interest. He went over to see what the hubbub was about. _

Bobby: Hey Dooley, give it a break.

Scott: What's going on?

_Arcade, as Dooley, is struggling to get out of a straitjacket._

Bobby: Dooley here bet us he could get out of this straitjacket in fifteen minutes.

Scott: How long has he been at it?

Bobby: Three days.

Scott: Better step on it Dooley.

_Dooley nods ferverently. Suddenly a loud booming voice catches everyone's attention. Xavier as the police chief barges in and starts yelling. (Or rather, wheels in)_

Xavier: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? GET BACK TO WORK! YOU THINK CRIME'S TAKIN' A HOLIDAY? THINK AGAIN! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, LUGER?"

Scott: I want the York case.

Xavier: THERE IS NO YORK CASE!  IT WAS A SUICIDE! *wheels over to snack bar* COFFEE!? CAPUCCINO? ESPRESSO?! *twist some knobs and sparks fly out of the machine* HEY SCOTTIE! CAN YOU GET THIS MACHINE TO WORK!?

Rahne: *Pops up from behind machine in full police uniform* I'm givin' her all she's got Captain! If I push her any harder, the whole thing will blow!

Xavier:*moves exasperatedly to snack bar* Give me my plate!

Scott: I don't think York's was a suicide. I think she was on to something!

Xavier:*loads an entire banquet onto his plate* On something's more like it! You know those WILDERNESS COOKIES WERE LACED WITH COCAINE!

Scott: *thinks* No wonder I couldn't eat just one! *follows Xavier into his office*

Xavier: *prepares to dig in at his desk*

Scott: York left me a message. She'd uncovered a drug running operation, I think that's what got her killed.

Xavier: You don't think it was the bullets?

Scott: Give me the case.

Xavier: You're three days from retirement Luger, let it go.

Scott: Let it go? She was a partner, a friend! I owe her! I owe it to every cop who's every walked a beat, who's ever made a bust, who's ever laid HIS LIFE ON THE LINE!

Xavier: WAIT A MINUTE! I'M THE CAPTAIN HERE, I'M THE ONE WHO DOES ALL THE YELLING! BUT IF IT"S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, TAKE THE DAMN CASE!

Scott: THANK YOU! Err, thank you.

Xavier: DON'T BE SO QUICK TO THANK ME ON THIS ONE LUGER, YOU'RE GONNA BE NECKIN' ON THIS ONE, IT'S ON THE LINE FOR YOU, PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE WATCHIN. NOW YOU BLOW IT, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, IF YOU SCREW UP, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HUNG OUT TO DRY, YOU DROP THE BALL, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE LEFT TWISTING IN THE WIND! IF YOU EMBARESS THIS DEPARTMENT, YOUR PANTS WILL BE DANCING WITH FIGS!  IS THAT CLEAR?!

Scott: Everything but the pants fig thing.

_They leave the office, and the Captain tells more bad news._

Xavier: Narcos are sending over one of their burned out psychos to help look into the Wilderness Girls cookies. I'm teaming him with you.

Scott: But sir, you know I always work alone.

Jubilee: Whatever happened to teamwork?

Rahne: You. Out.

Xavier: You get the case, you get Jack Colt!

_Across the room, 'Jack' takes out a lighter and begins flicking it. Scott looks at it with great apprehension._

Scott: LIGHTER!!!

Various people in station: Lighter! HIT THE FLOOR!

_Luger runs to attack Colt, but Colt throws him to the ground. Station personnel grab and hold him down._

Xavier: HEY! BACK OFF! THAT'S LUGER'S NEW PARTNER!

Ororo: *plays random woman that walks up* By the goddesses….

Rahne: Say the lines fast, then you can go.

Ororo: Captain! You can't seriously think of using this man! He's dangerous! A menace! A loose canon! A walking time bomb! And most of all, he is gun happy! 

Pyro: *Pulls flamethrower out of…somewhere.* Where do you get off saying that? *struggles to stop pointing flamethrower at Ororo.*

Ororo: I give up! *walks off*

Xavier: there's someone you have to talk too if this case involves cookies.

Scott: *looks horrified* Not him!

Xavier: Yeah. HIM!

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Dun Dun Dun! Who is 'him'? Stay tuned to see!

Rahne: There's gonna be lots of fun next chapter! Please leave some reviews!


	5. Meeting Dr Leacher

Meet HIM!

Rogue77: Heh, I saw that role and I couldn't get Xavier out of my head. I thought it was pretty funny.

Rahneman: Wow, you are the first person to say they've actually seen that movie! Umm…forgive me my naiveté, and ignorance, but what does TTFN mean?

^*^*^*^*^**^

_The room of the caretaker is full of weapons, axes, handcuffs, scythes and various instruments of complete and utter horror. Luger and Colt listen intently to the warden's words of warning._

Julian: *wearing white warden's clothes, which do not fit very well, as he is eleven and the suit is for someone who is twenty five* You know the rules. Do not touch the glass. Do not hand him any sharp instruments, power tools, sewing material, or condiments.

John: Say condiments again, that's just too cute to watch.

Julian: *glare* Wierdo.

John: I object to that!

Julian: *ahem* *unlocks prison doors*  Make sure you stay to the left when you walk down the hall. He's in the last cell. 

_They heed his words well, but when the warden turns, he realizes something._

Julian: The right! I meant stay to the right!

_Luger__ swiftly beats off some guy that has a chokehold on Colt._

John: I swear he did that on purpose.

Julian: I didn't do anything.

_The two lone cops walk down the hall, passing such cells as Mike Tyson, Leona Helmsley, Halim's mini-mart (a temporary facility), and stop at the last cell, where a trussed up furry blue man is strapped to a cart. His face is masked, and the room is decorated with child like drawings_.

Dr.Leacher (Hank) : Unhi migh fantom.

Scott: What?

Hank: Unhi migh fantom.

John: Papa?

Hank: Unhi migh fantom.

Scott: Is it a code? Some obscure foreign language?

Hank: *tries to move over, upsets his harness and falls down*  AHHHHHH!

Scott: Ouch.

John: Hunh. So this is Mr.-screw-with-your-brain-eat-your-spleen-wear-your-flesh-as-a-hairnet-Leacher. He doesn't look so tough. Well, look who's Mr. Scaredy-pants now!

Hank: *leaps up without restraints*

John: AHHHH!

Hank: *pulls off mask* Of all the roles…

Rahne: Don't make me pull out the ruler.

Hank: *sigh* Mother wanted so much more of me. Identification, please.

_The cops pull out their badges._

Hank: Closer.

_The cops move closer together._

Hank: Closer.

_They stretch out their hands to put the badges closer to the glass._

Hank: Please, sit.

_The cops sit down in chairs that appear to have been built out of thin air._

Forge: Thank you, I know I'm good.

Scott: Dr. Leacher, we need to ask som-

Hank: There's someone…out there again…Isn't there? A bad boy with pastries.

Logan: *snicker*

Hank:*glare*

Rahne: GET OFF THE STAGE!

Logan: I'm goin' shrimp, I'm goin'.

Scott: Yes!

Hank: *stops Luger from continuing and sniffs the air* High Karate. You wear that sometimes, don't you. But not *sniff* today. *sniff* Today, it's *sniff* Menthalated DP Brown. You order chef's salad with dressing on the side. You have an attractive young wife, a nine year old son and a sixteen year old daughter.

Scott: Who told you that?!

Hank: I saw the picture in your wallet when you showed me your badge.

Scott:….Oh.

John: We came here to talk about cookies. That sounded weird.

Rahne: Shut up. Say your lines.

Hank: Quid pro quo, Mr. Colt.

John: What's that supposed to mean?!

Hank: It means I'm pretentious. Tell me about the worst meal you've ever eaten Mr. Colt.

John: Uh…

Hank: Quick!

John: uh, it was a fish sandwich, at a-

Scott: Don't tell him anything! Now can you help us?

Hank: You hold the key, Mr. Colt.

John: Where? *looks at his pockets.*

Hank: Not that kind of key. Look inside yourself for an answer to the cookie concern. Look to a man with who you were involved.

_Colt's mind flashbacked to a time when he walked on the beach with a man in a skull and crossbones shirt._

Hank:No no, not him, It was in Vietnam.

_Again, Colt thought back to a time where he ran onto the beach with a man, this time Vietnamese._

Sunfire: I object to this!

Rahne: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU!?  
Sunfire: Uh…oops. No one, I just jumped into the wrong story. Bye. 

Hank: Hmm. All, right, where was I? Oh yes. No, no, you disappoint me, Mr. Colt. It was Mortars. General Mortars.

John: Wait! I never –

Hank: I didn't mean that kind of involvement.

John: I was never in any involvement! At all!

Rahne:…really?

John: I hate this parody!

Hank: We all have to suffer. You were under his command, were you not? Mortars was a patient of mine, I taught him, not to internalize his anger, to express it freely.

John: You taught him well.

Hank: Quite. After our last session he started the Vietnamese war. Seek him out. And, when you find him, tell him I would love to eat his cookies. With some fava beans and a nice, chilled fresca. *licks his lips. A lot.*

_The two cops, learning what they needed, get up to leave. But Colt stalls for a moment._

John: I just gotta ask. What does human flesh taste like?

Hank: Chicken.

Rahne: And that's a wrap! Great shot everybody!

John: First time she thanked us.

Scott: First time for everything.

Rahne: SHUT UP OR YOU DO THE NEXT SCENE IN BRIGHT PINK TIGHTS!

Scott: Eep.

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Well, sorry for the lull in updating, but at least it's sooner than when I updated the fourth chapter!

Please leave reviews!


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